The things i have to say...that i never say at all

My greatest fear in this life is being forgotten. Living a life so insignificant that everyone forgets me, as if I never existed. I don’t really know what to write about this. I just… want it to be out there. Will my family remember me? Will the person I love remember me? Its just…. a thought. Remember me? Please. 

Dear Dad, 

  This is the only time I have actually called you dad. You hurt me. I know this is never going to be seen by you but… everyday I miss you. I know I haven’t ever really “known” you and you haven’t been in my life since I was 9… and you weren’t really before. But I wish you cared. I wish so much that you would come home and sweep me up and say you’re sorry. But then you’d just go to prison. In my opinion, I’d rather you there, at least there you’d be learning from your mistakes. It feels like I wasn’t worth trying for. I feel like if the person who helped give me life doesn’t even want me… what’s the point. I wish you saw me go to prom. I wish you were here to give my boyfriend the father talk. I wish you were here to teach me how to speak french to your parents. I wish I could call you daddy. I want a dad so bad, but every time they aren’t my dad. That isn’t your fault. well its 50% you. But it’s 50% the evil step father from hell. But, you are the one I actually care how you think. I actually want you to see me grow. But you haven’t. You won’t be able to walk me down the aisle, or see your grandchildren. No matter what they will be YOUR grandchildren. They will be 25% you. But you won’t see them grow either.  But that will be your loss. If I have kids I will love them more than any mother ever has. Like my mom did. She loved me more than any two parents could alone. But dad, you missed out on helping raise a fucking awesome kid. You missed out on having an amazing family. But no matter how much you lost, I lost more. I lost my father. No matter if you are alive or not. I lost my childhood. No matter how much you “don’t remember” all the drunken screams, or the idiotic high moments, they fucked with my childhood. You shouldn’t forget your 6 year old at the bus stop. You shouldn’t “accidentally” swing a ladder with your baby girl and wife in it. You shouldn’t end up in jail. You shouldn’t leave forever. Dad… I miss you. I will always miss you. But I also will always feel not good enough because of you. I will always feel a sense of emptiness when something big happens. But most of all, I will always have a father who chose everything over me. Thanks a lot. 

Utter disgust and hatred,

Your daughter who honestly doesn’t know why the hell she’s posting this but is going to anyway, 

Natasha. 

Blame. It pierces my soul everyday. For some reason I can’t help but blame myself for every bad event in my life. It makes me feel hate in my core. It makes me feel like I deserved the pain. Maybe I did. Maybe I deserve to be forever in this deep abyss of crazy self hate. Maybe I am the only one trying to hurt myself. Maybe I am the only one who never cared. I think I am wrong though. Possibly. I really, really, want to feel loved. I want to be held. I want someone out there to tell me that I’m not going crazy. However, I’m the only one who truly needs to believe this. If anyone else says this it’s just words. Words. Words that mean NOTHING. I guess the only person I need to believe in is myself.

Maybe I say I love you too much. Maybe I need to just stop trying to show I care. I get that sometimes it is probably annoying. But no one cares about you as much as I do. I’m sorry it seems clingy, but honestly all I am trying to do is care. All I want is to be loved. All I want is for you to feel loved every moment. I get that you don’t want to be bothered, but I’m not trying to bother you. I never am trying to hurt you. I will never understand how telling you I love you is mean. But I guess I’ll try to stop. All I wanted was to make you happy. But even when I try I fail. I seriously hate myself sometimes. Every time I hurt you a piece of my heart breaks. I’m sorry. 

She is a self-centered girl without kindness; she is far crueler than I, for I am only a middle class girl: snooty and rude for a teenager, with a soul made of couch fabric and pearls; caked makeup lies on her face, without a human trace. She talks of everything new in her perfect life, as she makes me seem small in comparison to her favorite bracelet. She should have humility, but her parents give her everything she desires, “because our perfect princess deserves the entire world, here’s 300 dollars for some shoes.” Some of her classmates, who she treats like last year’s Prada, suggest maybe she should have to earn her luxuries, but she would cry saying it’s too hard, and refuse to turn off her cell phone for work, perhaps she’ll learn when she has no more friends and her parents go bankrupt. 

Happy Mother’s day everyone. No matter what type of family you have, appreciate it. Tell your Mom you love her. And if she left, tell whoever is your parent you love them. If they died, know they love you, and are looking down watching you grow. My mom is the only parent I have. So Mother’s day is important to me. So be thankful for whatever you have. Know that your mom, or grandma, or step mom, or whoever you have in your life loves you. And if you think you have no one look at your life again. You could have an english teacher or a preacher. You could have a singer, coach, or even just a pet. You don’t need to call the mother in your life mom for her to exist. Have a wonderful mothers day, and makes sure your mom does too. 

Caged. That’s how I feel. Trapped. That’s my reality. Screaming for help, darkness is my best friend. I want to feel your embrace. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like myself. But I’m not myself. I am someone far from myself. I am a ghost, yet far from death. I am bright. I am alive. I am a light bulb in an empty room. I am a scream in silence. So that’s what I do. I scream. I fill the room I call my life with fear and horror. I am afraid. Fear is my blanket, protecting me from taking risk, protecting me from changing who I am. What am I? I am love. I am hate. I am everything you despise and want to be. I am the girl that is so beautiful yet the ugliest person you’ve ever seen. If you were to meet me you’d feel passion in every direction. Maybe I should enjoy this feeling of being alive. The feelings of hatred and love and fear and excitement, maybe they are all meant to be.  It’s the feeling of being human. It’s the feeling of being me. Without the bipolar elements of our brains we would have only one feeling. A feeling of pure nothing would take over your soul. Why do I write? I write to help identify when the pain is a fleeting thought, or to realize when I am going insane.  I write to feel my feelings harder. I write to understand the non-understandable. I write to fill the void, to have words to comfort me.  I write to see beauty where others see ominous disgust. You know what’s beautiful? Tears. The kind you could drown in. Do you realize that loss means that you had something to start with? Do you realize that heartbreak started with a heart so full that it could easily burst? Everything you do in your life starts or ends with happiness. When you’re breathing your last breath, do you want to just regret all of it? Or do you want to remember your first love? Your baby’s first steps? Your greatest accomplishments? You could remember the beauty or you could never get over one moment. I understand that everyone has the moment that never will be “okay”. I understand that everyone feels like they could never forgive someone in their life. I understand that there will always be some regret. However, if you live life only regretting, only holding grudges, only dwelling, you won’t live. You will just hate. You will hate anyone who smiles, anyone who gets to live your dream. The only one who will hold you back from that dream is you. The only one who can tell you that YOU CAN’T is yourself. The only one who can truly make the pain last forever, is the only person who is always with you. You are the only constant in your life, unless you give up on yourself. Once you give up, all is lost. If you never start, if you never try, you can never succeed in this agonizing contest called life. Maybe you are trying to beat everyone else? Maybe you are trying to beat society? The only person you can try to beat is yourself. Forget everyone else; I’ll go even farther FUCK EVERYONE ELSE. You will never get anywhere dwelling on being someone you aren’t. Every night you go to sleep, you are going to wake up as yourself. I will always wake up with the same bones, skin, brain, and life. You can change your hair color, eye color, color of your skin, boob size, nail color, hair style, gentiles, or whatever you want but you will be you. You will always have the same past, you will always have the same family, and you will always have the same blood. You could move across the world and ignore it all, but you will still know in the back of your mind that you were once living somewhere else, you once loved someone who now is dead or a jackass, or you are technically related to someone who you wish never existed. The sick reality of it all is you still did all those things. But you need to appreciate it. If you didn’t have whatever you don’t want to be real happen or be fact, you wouldn’t be real. You wouldn’t have those beautiful eyes your mom gave you. You wouldn’t have the knowledge not to ignore when the engine light goes on in your car. You wouldn’t have those rose petals that you know make you cry, but you could never get rid of because they smell so damn good. You wouldn’t have the memory of the night he kissed you in the snow and said “Babe, I love you so much.” Never lose sight of how beautiful your life has been. Yeah, some things have ended. Some things really sting, and scar even. But without these things, you would be someone else. And I don’t know you but, I love you. I, Natasha, a flawed member of society, loves you. Natasha, who has wanted to die, who has been hurt by family and the people she loves, loves you. Natasha, who is a terrible realist and cares about what others think, loves you. Natasha, the girl with beautiful brown eyes, who doesn’t let the engine light stay on, who keeps rose petals, who cherishes every memory loves you.  

You should forget me now,

For by tomorrow I’ll be gone,

I really don’t know how,

But no one will be found by dawn,

I hate you and you hate me,

But without you i’m so alone,

Do I guess I should see,

If i could survive on my own,

On my own in the ground,

Wonder if you’d ever notice,

Every breath I am drowned,

But you think I’m in total bliss,

At night I breathe your name,

Being alone is my great fear,

You see us a game,

My calls you never hear,

So don’t leave me darling,

Tonight we sleep above the dirt,

My left hand wears your ring,

For now we can live without hurt,

I’ll miss you when I leave,

Every step a knife in my foot,

No heart lies on my sleeve,

Replaced it is burn marks and soot,

Please darling look away,

No need for you to see me go,

I now have found my way,

To survive in the earth below.

To each one’s own. They always told me all was fair. You know, in war and love. I loved a boy who was alone a war, and hurt two who lost. I suppose it was always war, if they were kind or not. Friends became my soldiers. The combat zone my heart. The bullets: my words; Grenades: my touch, for happiness was there, but they weren’t him. He was the one. Every single day a part of me he stole. I knew him with my heart. I loved him with my soul. A piece of me he owned the rest I guess he sold. Yes or no to war, Yes or no to love, the only one who knows? Hell or the one above.  

I’ve been gone for a while, but will be updating this tumblr much more often! :D